8-14-17

The following is an entry in my personal journal, written on August 14, 2017.

It’s hard not to feel resentful when I sit here making grocery lists. We are creeping up on 3 months and going on like normal still catches me completely off guard sometimes- how can I stand to feel normal? I spent almost 39 weeks creating, growing a perfect baby and now she’s gone. Never once did that baby cry, or open her eyes to see my face. I never saw her eyes or felt her move in my arms. I got 4 hours of lifeless snuggles, only for my benefit and never for her’s. The absence of life was present from the moment she was born, when she flopped out of me, still and unmoving. There were no cries, no shouts of congratulations, or “it’s a girl!”, just my sobs. Holding onto my husband and crying, “I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.” and I was, I still am. Sorry I couldn’t keep her safe, sorry she’s gone, sorry we never got to know her in this world. My baby, my third child… our empty promise. What I wouldn’t give to have her here, to be tired and sleepless- complaining and whining… never knowing just how lucky I am. I feel so far from lucky. I feel doomed. How do horrible things like this happen without warning? Why didn’t I get a warning? She was normal, everything looked “perfect” and then she was gone with no chance to save her. Oh God, why couldn’t you just save her? Not for her but for me? I don’t want to be mad, I just want to feel better, and I don’t so I make grocery lists. I cry over my morning coffee and then I suck it up and push it down and pretend until pretending feels real.