Why the Holidays Are Hard

As I prepare to leave for our big family Thanksgiving, I find myself disheartened by the lack of holiday spirit that I feel. I was hopeful that with 18 months of grief under my belt the holidays would feel less overwhelming and more exciting, but instead I feel anxiety and sadness mingled together- the sure sign that my grief is bubbling to the surface. Like a contraction building, I want to resist the pain and I clench my jaw in effort to hold it at bay. I am so excited to see family and celebrate, but that excitement is also tinged with the all too familiar feelings of grief and loneliness.

It makes sense that I don’t want to feel the depth of my loss right now, the holidays are a time when we are to focus on joy and the love around us. Christmas is a season that holds great hope and it is reflected in the way we all strive to foster togetherness. But what happens when all the togetherness highlights loss and when sadness overwhelms your ability to access pure joy? It’s lonely and hard when you just want to be present, but your heart is not fully there.

It may not be true for every grieving person, but it is true for me, when my entire family is in one place, it’s hard not to focus on Grace not being there. I wish I had never taken for granted the feeling of being complete - because even in my own living room I get the strongest feeling that “something is missing” when my family does something as simple as watch a movie. The holidays are like this on steroids. Family pictures with Santa, shopping for gifts, gathering around the dinner table… it’s all triggering.

I struggle with this- when I approach something that is meant to be joyful with the weight of grief heavily on my shoulders, I feel like a failure. Why can’t I just be positive and find the good, find the joy? Why do I have to make this so hard? Why can’t I just GET OVER IT? Often I tell myself that everyone wishes I would…

But really, grieving isn’t being negative. Grieving isn’t shutting yourself off from joy. Grieving is loving.

So I encourage you, if you are grieving - give yourself grace. It’s exhausting to wade through the conflicting and often complicated emotions surrounding this time of year. If someone you love is grieving, give them grace. Whether it has been 2 months, 20 years, or anywhere outside of and in between, the expectation that a season that promotes joy, love, and togetherness will not also promote deep longing and sadness is an expectation too high.

I hope that we can all approach one another with great tenderness, care, and love during a really a beautiful season. A season that holds hope and joy, but loneliness and sorrow for many. It’s a special thing to know intimately how closely we can hold all of these things within us at one time, but it’s fragile and vulnerable all the same.